I don't know how to approach this review. "Jack the Giant Slayer" is so bad that I just want to basically write that for the review: it is so bad. That's it.
On the other hand, the experience was so baffling and brutally moronic that I feel the need to talk it out. Like crisis counseling.
So that's what I'm gonna do. Talk it out. And like therapy, I'm going to address my issues one at a time.
Here goes:
1) If you're going to make a mega-budget, CGI extravaganza, then maybe try to have good CGI. The giants (who are not just background or throw away villains, but major characters with plenty of close-up screen time) are especially bad. The giants would look fine in some Dreamworks animated movie about "Jack and the Beanstalk," but here they are terrible. It looks like a modern version (albeit set in olden times) of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" The difference being that "Roger Rabbit" is supposed to have people interacting with cartoons. Speaking of cartoons...
2) When it is convenient for the story, the characters obey the laws of cartoon physics. People are crushed to death, stabbed, burned, etc. throughout the whole movie. But Jack can apparently survive huge falls. He first survives a 500+ foot fall not via primitive parachute or something clever. No, he survives by hitting every branch on the way down. He is unscathed. Not just not dead. He literally has no scratched, bumps, welts or anything to indicate that he essentially fell off the Space Needle. Later, Jack, the princess, and a knight played by Ewan McGregor (I can't remember the character names and I literally just finished it!) are climbing down the beanstalk when it is cut down. McGregor survives the fall of about 6,000 feet by landing in the water. Jack and his lady friend land in a haystack. This actually happens!! They all walk away unscathed.
3) The jokes are awful and filmed in ways that do not convey a comedic moment. Director Bryan Singer is pretty good at making dramas but his eye/ear/whatever for comedy is broken. If you're looking for a night of laughs with the whole family, I hope you like farts and booger eating.
4) The makers of this movie try to have their PG-13 cake and eat it too. The editing is baffling. There are scenes of plot-necessary death that don't necessarily need to be shown, but the film cuts away from them before the implied action of that death. So, when Stanley Tucci stabs an good-hearted monk to establish his bad-guyism, we get no indication that he did stab that monk. Instead we get Tucci with a knife and he flinches. Cut to next scene. If the monk was walking down a road later in the movie, it wouldn't seem at all out of place. This happens a few other times too. But when giants and soldiers need to crushed, burned alive, gored, or shot in the face with arrows, they show all that!
5) The characters are awful. I would go so far as to say that there are no characters just people with names. They do not grow or have anything in their history to press them forward. Jack is shown in a prologue to be obsessed with a beanstalk/giant myth and a has a youthful desire to be a knight. But I'm convinced that this minor backstory was added after completion of the film. When Jack is older and is given the beans and told that they are ancient, magical beans, he has no friggin' clue what he's holding. If that story had been the basis of his life, you'd think he would make at least a slight connection. Also, he never looks up to the knights around him or aspires to be like them. He only puts himself in danger because he has a crush on a girl.
6) Brace yourself for plenty of awkward "action" shots that may have been cool in 3-D but at home in 2-D are just ugly. In the theater, with your 3-D glasses on, these shots may have served as a momentary distraction from the turd burger of a film you paid $9 to eat. But at home, they just add to the pile of suck that is "Jack the Giant Slayer."
7) Jack destroys the kingdom to save the kingdom. No kidding. He literally razes to the ground the very thing everyone is fighting to protect. Jack, the hero of our tale, caused more destruction than all the giants combined. Also, he only kills two giants. The guards on the parapets, firing their fully automatic crossbows, killed more giants than that. Jack is the worst hero imaginable.
But on a positive note, I liked Ewan McGregor. He seems to know that the movie is an idiotic 3-D mess, so he plays his part as big and goofy as possible.
At the end of the day, I say run from "Jack the Giant Slayer." Run and don't look back. It's the kind of movie you rent to let the in-laws know they overstayed their welcome. Just truly, truly retched.
2 out of 10
On the other hand, the experience was so baffling and brutally moronic that I feel the need to talk it out. Like crisis counseling.
So that's what I'm gonna do. Talk it out. And like therapy, I'm going to address my issues one at a time.
Here goes:
1) If you're going to make a mega-budget, CGI extravaganza, then maybe try to have good CGI. The giants (who are not just background or throw away villains, but major characters with plenty of close-up screen time) are especially bad. The giants would look fine in some Dreamworks animated movie about "Jack and the Beanstalk," but here they are terrible. It looks like a modern version (albeit set in olden times) of "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?" The difference being that "Roger Rabbit" is supposed to have people interacting with cartoons. Speaking of cartoons...
Just go watch this movie instead. Seriously.
2) When it is convenient for the story, the characters obey the laws of cartoon physics. People are crushed to death, stabbed, burned, etc. throughout the whole movie. But Jack can apparently survive huge falls. He first survives a 500+ foot fall not via primitive parachute or something clever. No, he survives by hitting every branch on the way down. He is unscathed. Not just not dead. He literally has no scratched, bumps, welts or anything to indicate that he essentially fell off the Space Needle. Later, Jack, the princess, and a knight played by Ewan McGregor (I can't remember the character names and I literally just finished it!) are climbing down the beanstalk when it is cut down. McGregor survives the fall of about 6,000 feet by landing in the water. Jack and his lady friend land in a haystack. This actually happens!! They all walk away unscathed.
Pictured here: Nicholas Hoult as Jack
3) The jokes are awful and filmed in ways that do not convey a comedic moment. Director Bryan Singer is pretty good at making dramas but his eye/ear/whatever for comedy is broken. If you're looking for a night of laughs with the whole family, I hope you like farts and booger eating.
LOL!
4) The makers of this movie try to have their PG-13 cake and eat it too. The editing is baffling. There are scenes of plot-necessary death that don't necessarily need to be shown, but the film cuts away from them before the implied action of that death. So, when Stanley Tucci stabs an good-hearted monk to establish his bad-guyism, we get no indication that he did stab that monk. Instead we get Tucci with a knife and he flinches. Cut to next scene. If the monk was walking down a road later in the movie, it wouldn't seem at all out of place. This happens a few other times too. But when giants and soldiers need to crushed, burned alive, gored, or shot in the face with arrows, they show all that!
What does this even mean anymore?!
5) The characters are awful. I would go so far as to say that there are no characters just people with names. They do not grow or have anything in their history to press them forward. Jack is shown in a prologue to be obsessed with a beanstalk/giant myth and a has a youthful desire to be a knight. But I'm convinced that this minor backstory was added after completion of the film. When Jack is older and is given the beans and told that they are ancient, magical beans, he has no friggin' clue what he's holding. If that story had been the basis of his life, you'd think he would make at least a slight connection. Also, he never looks up to the knights around him or aspires to be like them. He only puts himself in danger because he has a crush on a girl.
More dimensional than any character in the movie.
6) Brace yourself for plenty of awkward "action" shots that may have been cool in 3-D but at home in 2-D are just ugly. In the theater, with your 3-D glasses on, these shots may have served as a momentary distraction from the turd burger of a film you paid $9 to eat. But at home, they just add to the pile of suck that is "Jack the Giant Slayer."
Go ahead. Take a bite.
7) Jack destroys the kingdom to save the kingdom. No kidding. He literally razes to the ground the very thing everyone is fighting to protect. Jack, the hero of our tale, caused more destruction than all the giants combined. Also, he only kills two giants. The guards on the parapets, firing their fully automatic crossbows, killed more giants than that. Jack is the worst hero imaginable.
Mission accomplished.
But on a positive note, I liked Ewan McGregor. He seems to know that the movie is an idiotic 3-D mess, so he plays his part as big and goofy as possible.
At the end of the day, I say run from "Jack the Giant Slayer." Run and don't look back. It's the kind of movie you rent to let the in-laws know they overstayed their welcome. Just truly, truly retched.
2 out of 10
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