Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters

If I had to describe "Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters" in two words, those words would be: fun and dumb.  Who knew that a movie about candy eating fairy tale kids could be such a wonderfully good time? (Is it because it stars two Bond girls?)  In order to enjoy H&G:WH, you must really embrace the dumb part.  The fun comes naturally.  You must accept the movie on its own bizarre terms.  I don't believe in just "turning off your brain" to enjoy a movie, but there are things here that you must be able to ignore, embrace, or tolerate in order to enjoy the film.  Here goes:

1)  This movie could just as easily be called "Anachronism: The Movie."  While the whole thing takes place in medieval times, the characters speak in a very modern way (read: cursing) and have guns.  Fully automatic shotguns with unlimited ammunition.  Or fully automatic crossbows with unlimited ammunition.  I can handle that just fine.  But somehow, the medieval insulin shots were hard for me to accept (same with Hansel & Gretel's taser).  I ended up just laughing every time it showed up.  Just don't go in expecting swords and maces in 16th century Germany.  Expect Gatling guns and hand grenades.

 

2)  Once you've accepted that people who don't even have running water or electricity (but they have tasers!) can manage their diabetes and build machine guns, then you must overcome the ridiculousness of the weapons being used.  Every weapon in this movie would not work in the real-world.  They are all collapsible and when in use are just a blur of moving parts.  If you have a pistol with three barrels, those barrels shouldn't spin like a pinwheel when you pull the trigger.  But the guns, etc. are designed to be cool not practical.

 

3)  Despite having all these wonderfully complex and advanced weapons, it is still Ye Olde Germany and no one has invented hunter's safety courses.  This may be something that only gets to me, but Hansel & Gretel almost always have the barrels of their guns in some poor peasant's face.  This is, again, a matter of looking cool.  Hansel & Gretel are just striking heroic badass poses but all I see is an accident waiting to happen (especially with all the sharp, spinning parts on the guns).

 

Congratulations!  You're now ready to watch H&G:WH.  The plot is inconsequential.  The acting is campy.  This is a movie about style over substance.  It's about having a good time.

 

So, make some popcorn and sit back and enjoy the weird awesomeness that is Peter Stormare.  Or the incredible troll effects (they use a guy in a giant puppet suit instead of CGI!!!).  Or the focus on real stunt people doing real stunts.  This is just too good and too crazy of movie to let it pass you by.

 

8 out of 10