Planes

Let me make one thing absolutely clear: I hate Cars.  I firmly believe that it is the worst of the Pixar films (I have not seen Cars 2 and that may actually be the worst Pixar movie).  The problem is that the Cars films are hugely successful.  So Disney decided to make a spinoff about airplanes.

Planes was originally intended to be released only in European theaters, whereas North America would have a direct-to-video release.  Despite not looking as good as Cars (which is admittedly a very attractive film), Disney opted to see if they could make money in American cinemas as well.  Unfortunately, it worked.  While no where near as successful as the Cars films, Planes made a lot of money.

The movie is about a crop-duster named Dusty who dreams of being a racing plane.  With the help of his friends, he is able to qualify for an "around the world" race.  But can a crop-duster really compete with racing planes?  Can Dusty overcome his fear of heights?  Can an American underdog unite the nations of the world?

Planes is not actually a Pixar film.  It's a fully Disney movie.  Which is good for Pixar, because Planes manages to be worse than Cars.  The only thing that Planes has over Cars is the lack of Rascal Flatts on the soundtrack.  Otherwise, it's just dull.  Cars feels like a Pixar misstep.  Planes, however, feels like a lifeless cash grab.  Here's a couple of odd things that kept me going during an otherwise unengaging experience:

1) The fleeting "eco-message."  The movie never has a larger message.  It's just dumb cliché.  Whereas Wall-E has a fantastic message about preserving our natural resources, Planes just mentions off-hand that the vehicles all use corn fuel.  Also, the crop-dusters use manure/compost instead of fertilizers.  It comes off not so much as an environmental message as it does damage control.  Disney can now deflect any eco-Nazis who complain about gas guzzling vehicles being idolized by kids.  But the vehicles drink oil like crazy and in one scene get drunk on it to drown their sorrows.  I'm not sure what is going on with petroleum in Planes.

2) Crop-duster anatomy.  For Dusty's crop-duster pal, Leadbottom, the sprayer for the fertilizer is his rectum.  Many jokes are made about farting and the smell coming from his sprayer.  For Dusty, his sprayer is his penis.  This is totally a real thing that is in a Disney movie.  He is terrified at the prospect of having it removed (so he can race better).  And once it is cut off, he speaks in a pained higher octave for a while.  I am baffled by the implications of the sprayers.  If the sprayers are distinct parts of the planes' anatomy and not just tools, then what are we to make of Dusty's friend, Chug, who is a fuel truck?  Is his fuel nozzle more than just a fuel nozzle?  And the cars already have mouths with which they consume oil, so what does that make their fuel tanks?  I was traumatized by these questions and trying to wrap my brain around it was the most entertaining thing about this movie for me.

3) Chug.  Disney is trying really hard to create a new Mater for the Planes trilogy (this is actually happening!).  A dumb service vehicle with a distinctive voice.  I prefer Chug to Mater, but the interesting thing is watching such a blatant attempt at a merchandizing opportunity.  This whole movie is just a toy commercial.

4) Or is it a Ford commercial?  The Ford Mustang to be exact.  It's the only branded vehicle in the movie.  I can't find anything to indicate that there's any deal between Disney and Ford.  The Mustang just sticks out.

5) It's definitely a Navy recruitment video.  My dad was in the Navy for a long, long time.  So, I have a bias toward the Navy.  It's just odd to see the military marketed to children.

6) The movie panders to other countries.  Not that a film should pander to the United States (or pander in general), but the race around the world doesn't showcase each place they go.  Iceland, Germany, Nepal, and Mexico are glossed over.  China and India are heavily focused on.  China is a huge market and only allows 34 foreign movies to play in its theaters every year (14 of which must be IMAX or 3D).  So, Hollywood makes a strong effort to get their films accepted in China.  The India stuff was confusing though.  Until I saw the credits.  Planes was animated in India.  I wonder if they tried to use that to break into that huge market too.

Planes makes me cynical and no one wants cynicism from a kids' movie.  This movie had nothing to offer.  I saw it in a theater with children and they did not seem to respond to it at all.  I'm sure plenty of Disney airplane toys will be sold this Christmas, but is it because kids like it or were they brainwashed by a 90 minute marketing campaign?  

3 out of 10