Alienator

Look at that poster.  That's a lady!  No kidding.  As if that's not enough to get you curious, the tagline reads," In deep space, the deadliest animal is still woman."  What does that even mean?  Does that mean that woman is the deadliest animal on Earth too?  I had to watch "Alienator" if only to have my questions answered.

 

"Alienator" is a movie from director Fred Olen Ray, who's career is dominated by softcore porn.  This movie, however, managed to remain nudity-free.  Instead of boobs, Ray gives us a bizarre sci-fi, action flick about a group of teens in the woods who encounter an intergalactic fugitive.  But they are all soon set upon by a hulking robot woman who has been sent to destroy the fugitive "at any cost."  Soon, the kids are holed up in a cabin until they can find a way to defeat the cybernetic bounty hunter.

 

"Alienator" is definitely one of those "good-bad" movies, but it's not one of the greats.  There's enough schlock that I chuckled occasionally.  The space prison sets are wonderfully cheap.  The fight scenes are poorly shot and fought extremely slowly.  The fights are the best parts.  The second best parts are the scenes involving Ross Hagen acting his fucking ass off.

 

If you don't know who Ross Hagen is, please go find some of his movies.  He's amazingly bad.  But he believes so much in his performances that it's charming.  Ross Hagen on a cast list makes any movie a must-see.  Plus his voice is so gravely, it makes Vin Diesel sound like a pubescent teen.

 

Hagen's whole performance is incredible.  It starts off silently with plenty of wild-eyed terror at the prospect of his execution.  Then he escapes and is injured.  He is then comatose with occasional bouts of hysterical, choked screams.  It's hilarious.  But once his tracking collar is off, it's all menace and scenery chewing.  But his seriousness and dedication is undermined by his ridiculous costume.  It's all shoulder pads and black face paint.  He basically looks like any fan at an Oakland Raiders game (like a fucking idiot).  Despite the crummy costume and obvious low budget of the movie, Hagen gives it his all.

Someone get this man an Oscar!

The cheap, weird sci-fi plot points all come to a head in the final 20 minutes or so.  The robot develops emotion, Hagen turns out to be a shape shifter, there's a double cross.  It gets crazy.  Add in some hilariously bad special effects and watching "Alienator" becomes worth it if only for the last half hour.

 

So many "good-bad" or "funny-bad" movies have incredible replay value, but not so much with "Alienator."  I got everything I need from it the first time.  That's not to say it isn't worthwhile.  It's got a pretty awesome cast.  Ross Hagen kills it.  John Phillip Law is on autopilot but Law on autopilot is cooler than most actors' best day.  Jan-Michael Vincent rivals Hagen in giving a super serious performance.  Also, Joseph Pilato has a bit role in the space prison.  It's worth any bad movie aficionado's time. 

 

3 out of 10 (It should be noted that my ratings should not be taken at face value.  Obviously, "Alienator" and other hokey movies are of low quality.  Yet, they still have immense entertainment value.  My 1-10 scale is reflective only of the actual quality of the film.)