What happened? How can such a simple, awesome concept as the Lone Ranger go so wrong?
The simplest answer is: terrible script and Johnny Depp. But I won't let The Lone Ranger off that easily. So, before I get down to the nitty gritty of what is so abysmal about The Lone Ranger, I'll say that there are some good things going on in the movie. Good things that really only serve to show how awesome it could've been (which just ends up making the final result look even worse in comparison). For one, director Gore Verbinski makes great looking movies and The Lone Ranger is no exception. It's beautiful. Number two is the final action sequence. There's a big showdown/chase involving two trains on parallel tracks. The entire sequence is a giant homage to the thrilling climax to Buster Keaton's classic film The General (currently streaming on Netflix and for free on Hulu, so no excuses for not watching it). The problem is that Buster Keaton did it better in 1926. An actor (whose character we don't care about) green screened onto a speeding train lacks any tension. OK. Enough compliments. Let's discuss why this is my least favorite movie of Summer 2013.
1) Johnny Depp. Remember when hearing that Johnny Depp was starring in a movie was exciting? Think way back. Before the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Now it's just hats and makeup. His performance as Tonto is maybe the worst of them all (although his turns as Willy Wonka and The Mad Hatter as certainly contenders). His Tonto is awful. It's like he took Jack Sparrow and tossed in a healthy dose of Native American racism. But I'm supposed to be charmed because he's always trying to feed his hat.
2) Flesh-eating, mutant, demon rabbits. This totally happens and it's not as awesome as it sounds. They show up for a few seconds in one scene and are never seen or talked about again. You see, originally The Lone Ranger was a movie about a cowboy and his loyal Indian friend battling werewolves in the Old West. The rabbits are either were-rabbits or affected by magic of some kind, but the werewolf plot was removed long before production. Somehow, the rabbits stayed in the script. This is just a prime example of the absolute mess of a movie this is. It's like someone dumped several jigsaw puzzles together, mixed them up, and then threw half of the pieces away.
3) Too much. There's several stories going but not enough time to develop them. Tonto and the Lone Ranger both have revenge plots and there are two different conspiracy plots. Any one plot would've been sufficient. Even any two could've been handled well. But all four stories are thrown together (not unlike the aforementioned jigsaw puzzle simile) and an attempt is made in the script to compress them all together instead of fleshing out a coherent narrative. This lack of development leaves us with nonsensical plots being navigated by undeveloped characters. By the time any "fun" action scenes happen, you just don't care.
4) Because the characters aren't just undeveloped, they're completely unlikable. I don't care if you ever watched The Lone Ranger TV series or read any of the comics, it's a given that the Lone Ranger and Tonto are best friends. In the movie, however, they hate each other. But they have good reason to hate each other: they're terrible and annoying people. But they screw each other over and annoy each other for so long that they eventually become friends (or at least hate each other a little less). By the way, in this movie "kemo-sabe" doesn't mean friend. It means "wrong brother," as in "you should be dead instead of your brother." Golly, it's fun to watch Tonto wish the Lone Ranger was dead for two and half hours.
5) Cartoon physics for the heroes but real violence for everyone else. I had this same problem with Jack the Giant Slayer, but there's a difference. Jack the Giant Slayer is a fantasy, so people should be able to do impossible things. The real issue there was that using real people in Looney Tunes-esque situations feels wrong. In The Lone Ranger, they try to have Looney Tunes and gritty reality. You can't mix characters being thrown 200 yards without harm with bloody cannibalism and horses that climb trees with the massacre of dozens of Indian women and children.
All in all, The Lone Ranger is a film I just wish I could forget. Instead, it was such a rough experience that my recollection of it is especially vivid. It's almost as if it happened in slow motion, which means that I spent even more time watching it than everyone else! The Lone Ranger is really more sad than flat out terrible. It's a movie that should've been so good. The cast sounds so good on paper: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer (who I hope finds a decent role soon), Ruth Wilson (watch her in the TV show Luther on Netflix), William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson, Helena Bonham Carter, Barry Pepper. All those people in a Western directed by Gore Verbinksi who was just coming off of the amazing Western, Rango. It even has Oscar-nominated screenwriters! But it just fails so completely that I felt worn out by the end. Maybe in 5 or 10 years, when the reboot cycle comes around again, The Lone Ranger can be made as a smaller, more personal Western. I never thought I'd be praying for a remake...
3 out of 10
1) Johnny Depp. Remember when hearing that Johnny Depp was starring in a movie was exciting? Think way back. Before the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie. Now it's just hats and makeup. His performance as Tonto is maybe the worst of them all (although his turns as Willy Wonka and The Mad Hatter as certainly contenders). His Tonto is awful. It's like he took Jack Sparrow and tossed in a healthy dose of Native American racism. But I'm supposed to be charmed because he's always trying to feed his hat.
2) Flesh-eating, mutant, demon rabbits. This totally happens and it's not as awesome as it sounds. They show up for a few seconds in one scene and are never seen or talked about again. You see, originally The Lone Ranger was a movie about a cowboy and his loyal Indian friend battling werewolves in the Old West. The rabbits are either were-rabbits or affected by magic of some kind, but the werewolf plot was removed long before production. Somehow, the rabbits stayed in the script. This is just a prime example of the absolute mess of a movie this is. It's like someone dumped several jigsaw puzzles together, mixed them up, and then threw half of the pieces away.
3) Too much. There's several stories going but not enough time to develop them. Tonto and the Lone Ranger both have revenge plots and there are two different conspiracy plots. Any one plot would've been sufficient. Even any two could've been handled well. But all four stories are thrown together (not unlike the aforementioned jigsaw puzzle simile) and an attempt is made in the script to compress them all together instead of fleshing out a coherent narrative. This lack of development leaves us with nonsensical plots being navigated by undeveloped characters. By the time any "fun" action scenes happen, you just don't care.
4) Because the characters aren't just undeveloped, they're completely unlikable. I don't care if you ever watched The Lone Ranger TV series or read any of the comics, it's a given that the Lone Ranger and Tonto are best friends. In the movie, however, they hate each other. But they have good reason to hate each other: they're terrible and annoying people. But they screw each other over and annoy each other for so long that they eventually become friends (or at least hate each other a little less). By the way, in this movie "kemo-sabe" doesn't mean friend. It means "wrong brother," as in "you should be dead instead of your brother." Golly, it's fun to watch Tonto wish the Lone Ranger was dead for two and half hours.
5) Cartoon physics for the heroes but real violence for everyone else. I had this same problem with Jack the Giant Slayer, but there's a difference. Jack the Giant Slayer is a fantasy, so people should be able to do impossible things. The real issue there was that using real people in Looney Tunes-esque situations feels wrong. In The Lone Ranger, they try to have Looney Tunes and gritty reality. You can't mix characters being thrown 200 yards without harm with bloody cannibalism and horses that climb trees with the massacre of dozens of Indian women and children.
All in all, The Lone Ranger is a film I just wish I could forget. Instead, it was such a rough experience that my recollection of it is especially vivid. It's almost as if it happened in slow motion, which means that I spent even more time watching it than everyone else! The Lone Ranger is really more sad than flat out terrible. It's a movie that should've been so good. The cast sounds so good on paper: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer (who I hope finds a decent role soon), Ruth Wilson (watch her in the TV show Luther on Netflix), William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson, Helena Bonham Carter, Barry Pepper. All those people in a Western directed by Gore Verbinksi who was just coming off of the amazing Western, Rango. It even has Oscar-nominated screenwriters! But it just fails so completely that I felt worn out by the end. Maybe in 5 or 10 years, when the reboot cycle comes around again, The Lone Ranger can be made as a smaller, more personal Western. I never thought I'd be praying for a remake...
3 out of 10
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